i often times look into these beautiful little eyes (with amazingly long eyelashes, i might add) and wonder just what she sees when she looks at me. how does she see the world? how does she see me, differently than how i see me? we've had a bit of a rough week, here in our house...quite an end to my 32 year. the bird has been under the weather and actually took her first trip to the er over the weekend. we thought she was having some issues after hitting her head on friday but, come to find out, her odd behavior wasn't do to her head bump but a little infection in her throat. she has been very tired and whiny, not sleeping well, not wanting to eat and very very clingy to me - i haven't even been able to leave the room without her just getting so upset. it breaks my heart. with lots of rest and liquids, she is doing much better now and seems back to her normal self. this is good, as we are preparing for our first big family trip together in just a few short days!
today is my 33 birthday and i have been thinking a lot about the past year. even though i am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life, the past year has been a really rough for me emotionally. it has been difficult for me to let go of my responsibilities with channing and to leave the house, to leave her. though i lost all of my pregnancy weight (all of the ridiculous 60 pounds i gained!) about 5 months after her birth, i am in the worst shape of my life and let me tell you...it doesn't feel good. eating has been a challenge as, i am hungry all of the time but nothing at all sounds good. i am not getting enough good sleep. i have always been impatient but, it has been much worse this year. i am not taking very good care of myself and i am cranky - a lot. so, i have decided that i really need too get a little help to talk about these things and try to get back on track. it is hard to write about it and hard to admit it but, obviously after 15 months i am not doing a very good job of handling it on my own. i am also writing about it because, there may be someone else out there who is going through some of the same things and isn't really quite sure what to do about it. that is, assuming there is anyone out there reading this... hello - are you out there? :) anyway, i am not going to say that i am not embarrassed or disappointed in myself (because i would be lying) but i am saying that i feel relief in knowing that hopefully by talking some things out, it can help me assess and handle all of these new changes in my life a little better.
i am ready to keep the wonderful memories from this past year of our beautiful little bird (because really, she has changed and learned so much this year!) in my mind but very ready to move onto a new year of new possibilities and lots of positiveness. 33 seems like a good number. i like it. and i am looking forward to seeing what it has in store for me. xoxo