as i was looking at interior design job postings today, for a class assignment for my students, i came across a posting for a designer in cabo...yes, mexico. i read it and re-read it...and i honestly considered it. until the voice of reason, that resides in my head, reminded me of how ridiculous an idea that actually was. but, is it that ridiculous? i am feeling like i need a change - like moving twice and having a baby in one year isn’t enough change already. but, a different kind of change. one that nurtures my soul and my family. on days like today, i kind of want to do something drastic (please note i said drastic, not harmful!) like....get rid of all my clothes and create a brand new closet and look for myself, or have something seriously different done to my hair or get a crazy tattoo or... move to europe...or mexico. yes, i know, some of those options may seem a little crazy and a but extreme (and i promise mom, we won’t be abruptly moving to a different country) but, sometimes, don’t you want to do something completely out of character for yourself? whether it is who you perceive yourself to be or how others perceive you to be.
i have always been the responsible one. not the fun one or the funny one but the responsible one. i didn’t ever do drugs or go through a rebellious stage...i went straight from high school - to college - to working. and i have been working ever since. now, i am not complaining. i have had a lot of fun moments and i think my hard work and dedication has paid off. i have had some big successes in my life. i just haven’t taken a lot of risks. that voice of reason has always been quick to speak. of course, now that we have a baby - being responsible is the only thing to be. but...
i just can’t shake this feeling, as i am trying to refigure out who the heck i am and who i plan on being for the rest of my life and as we want to raise our daughter to be independent and have a mind of her own - to do anything she dreams of. sometimes i just want to do something i have dreamed of but never had the guts to do or let my voice of reason talk me down from.
in the mean time...i have found a book that i am enjoying. life after baby. i just started it but, like it so far. it includes stories from other women - helping you realize that these feelings aren’t just yours but, most other new moms as well. it helps you realize that you aren’t completely crazy for feeling and thinking this way. i recommend it and hope that as i get a little further into it, i can find a little more peace and patience with myself as well.
as for the drastic change...i will keep you posted. i am curious to know what you think... fill in this blank -
some days, i wish i could be more __________________