to be perfectly honest here...i've had a rough time getting back to myself after having channing. i know every new mom has a lot to manage and figure out and it gets overwhelming. but, there has been more than that going on here that we have been trying to figure out. so far, i've been told a lot things... you don't eat enough, you don't eat enough protein, you aren't sleeping enough (duh!), you need to get more exercise - you'll feel better, take vitamin d, you need to relax ... and so on. yeah, i get it. but there is still something more that is missing. we are doing some testing and trying to figure out just what "that" is. i honestly think it is hormonal but we aren't sure yet. i can tell you this- about a month ago i started taking a small dose of melatonin at night and wearing ear plugs while i sleep. (a bit difficult to get used to but i am getting there). i have been sleeping MUCH more and honestly feel better than i have since before i had the baby. i've also, just in the past week, come to a big realization for myself - I NEED TO PRACTICE BEING MORE POSITIVE AND HAVING A BETTER OUTLOOK ON THINGS. period.
i have been so irritable, tired and emotional. i have been negative, said things i never thought would come out of my mouth (mostly towards my lovely husband who for some reason decides to put up with me anyway) and just all around felt yucky about just about everything. i've also been putting a lot of pressure on myself. so i have decided that it is time for it to stop. even if i am not feeling at my best, i have WAY too much to be thankful to be so grumpy. i've also come to realize this - THINGS HAVE CHANGED. it is time to just accept that and move on. i, nor my life, is as it was 2 years ago. my body, nor my schedule, are ever going to be the same. instead of fretting over what was, it is time to move forward and be proud of what i have right now. this doesn't mean i can't have goals or aspirations but i need to stop letting the past and the future "what ifs" keep me down and create unneeded pressure.
i know a lot of moms go through the challenges of working and having a family and i have struggled there too. my negativity has followed me into the office and made me downright unhappy to be at work. i have a good job, it has a lot of flexibility and i used to really enjoy going. granted there are a lot of stresses and politics to wade through, being part of a college system - but i have been there for 5 years and i've decided i am going to keep moving forward with it until that's no longer an option. i have ideas and goals for future business endeavors but quite honestly, i think i have been focusing too much on how to make them happen sooner rather than later (when in reality it really might just be later) and really putting a lot of stress on myself.
this is where i am at RIGHT NOW. and i am ok with it. i am trying to let go and relax and JUST BE.